Poly Role Models

1. How long have you been polyamorous or been practicing polyamory?

I first heard the term “polyamory” in 2007, and that’s when my entire romantic life suddenly made sense to me. Before discovering that it was a legit relationship choice, I had a lot of guilt about wanting multiple partners, and thought there was either something wrong with me, or something wrong with whoever I was dating at the time. I broke up with a lot of people that I loved dearly, thinking that wanting other partners meant they must not be “the one”.

2. What does your relationship dynamic look like?

I have a co-parenting partner who I’ve been with since 2007, though the past few years have been platonic so that he is able to explore being sexually monogamous (he’s “Vajra” in the comic). I also have a business partner who I’m sometimes romantic with (he’s “Vash” in the comic), and we’ve been in a satellite relationship for about 4 years. I have a long-distance romantic partner (“Rajeev” in the comic) who I’ve been with about 3 years, and that feels like a “nesting” partnership despite the distance. I have a “Zucchini” (queerplatonic life partner) who I’ve been with much longer than all these dudes, and I’m very devoted to her. I’m about to add her to the comic, because I finally feel like I know how to talk about that relationship. I don’t know what her character’s name is yet, as I generally let people name themselves!

What I’m most excited about in relationships is having the opportunity to see things from a new angle. I love learning and growing, leaning a bit past my comfort zone, and being curious about what’s on the other side. I get more excited about deep emotional intimacy than physical intimacy, so when partnerships are platonic I don’t feel any less devoted. 

3. What aspect of polyamory do you excel at?

Understanding multiple points of view. Checking in thoroughly about sexual boundaries and needs. Taking everything with a grain of salt and assuming everyone’s doing their best. 

4. What aspect of polyamory do you struggle with?

Triangulation (someone telling me what someone else is thinking/saying, like a partner telling me what their other partner is upset about, especially if it’s about me). I awfulize the situation unless I hear complaints directly, and that can get really messy really fast. This has mostly happened in the past when a partner was trying to date someone who identified as monogamous but “poly curious” and ended up complaining to our partner about me without being willing to actually meet me to address their concerns. Now I make strong boundaries about partners NOT telling me if someone else is upset with me. I understand now that if someone doesn’t want to talk to me about an issue they have with me directly, it’s not actually my problem. 

5. How do you address and/or overcome those struggles?

Asking questions, and being vulnerable in how I hear those answers instead of immediately being defensive or reactive. I have a lot of practice using various modalities such as “The Work of Byron Katie” and NVC (non-violent communication), but I’m a highly visual and ADHD person so having a clear communication practice that also allows for movement and imagery is extremely helpful to me. This is why I created the card game ORBIT, and that’s the main way I process any dispute or misunderstandings within my polycule now.

6. In terms of risk-aware/safer sex, what do you and your partners do to protect one another?

It depends on the partner and what their specific needs are. Clear communication beforehand, testing regularly, and keeping informed. Sex isn’t the main focus of my relationships, so sometimes a relationship becomes non-sexual for a time if it isn’t compatible with other partners’ needs or what I’m wanting right then. 

7. What is the worst mistake you’ve ever made in your polyamorous history and how did you rebound from that?

Making agreements that I didn’t have an authentic “yes” to, then resenting my partner for it. I now make sure to really check in with myself before making agreements, and also periodically revisit agreements to make sure they still feel right or if they need to be renegotiated.

(Bonus: Do you have any groups, projects, websites, blogs, etc. that you are involved with that you would like to promote?):

I have 3 books out currently, and am working on 2 card games (ORBIT will be coming out in Fall 2019, and a zombie-themed competitive card game designed for polycules will come out afterward). All my books and card games can be found on my website: https://wwwTikvaWolf.com and I’m always working on new projects! My bread and butter comes from Patreon, and I give those folks a lot of extra love because I’m extremely grateful for that patronage which allows me to continue creating new content: https://www.patreon.com/kimchicuddles 

I am probably most well-known for the webcomic Kimchi Cuddles, which explores a lot of relationship dynamics and topics other than polyamory, including queer + genderqueer issues. https://www.facebook.com/KimchiCuddles